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| I've Had To Think About This | |||
| (Sunday, 22 March 2009) Written by admin | |||
| I sat down and thought about it. I know I’m not ready to seriously date again. I’m not. I still long for the relationship I had with Gary and the type of man he was. He was my lover, inspiration, confidant, my rock, and most of all he was my best friend. I don’t think that is replaced easily….in fact, I know it isn’t. I have found that I am happy at this moment in my life focusing on myself. My education, weight loss, and being more centered is where my focus belongs. If I am in balance, the rest of the world will take care of itself. I know I feel that sometimes I speak too much of Gary, but he was such a huge part of my life. I don’t think I would be the person I am today if it had not been for him finding his way into my heart and my life. I have tried the dating thing…..I met a nice guy, but we weren’t in the same place on our paths. I still remain friends with him and hopefully always will. He is an amazing person, even if he sometimes doesn’t believe it. I wish I could make him see himself through my eyes. There lies the problem. Even though I can come across as sarcastic and bitter, I truly can always see the most magical part of someone and always try to find the inspiration in the situation. Why wouldn’t you? I just think my humor sometimes isn’t understood, and that’s okay, I’m not meant to be funny to everyone…..there’s this one guy in Jersey who doesn’t get it. There are a few things that I desire in a partner. Employed. I want a man who understands that it takes work to make it. Intelligent. We have to be able to have a conversation..seriously, like between sex acts. Passionate. I want to feel the passion when you kiss me….I want to feel you lose sense of the world outside because you and I are together and we are the only thing that matters. I know this isn’t an instant thing, but the potential for it has to be there. Caring. I left a guy in a restaurant once because he was a dick to the waitress when it was unnecessary. You do not need to berate someone, if you wanted to talk about the lousy service, find the manager and take him aside, it’s his job to fix it. Compassionate. I can’t go into the pet store if they have cats for adoption there, I’ll want to take them all home. Adventurous. I’m not going to sit on the couch and watch tv every weekend…..besides, who knows where that path over there goes and you’re never going to find out if you don’t go down it. Problem Solver. Seriously, bitching fixes nothing. I want a man who doesn’t get miffed if I grab his hand out of the blue when a song comes on and I want him to dance in the living room with me….just because. I know he will come to me….it’s not my job to bring him, he will come. | |||
| Class Review | |||
| (Monday, 16 March 2009) Written by admin | |||
| I'm sitting in class watching a student give their presentation, and thinking, I could read what you have on the power point slides, bitch, how about you elaborate some? | |||
| AAAAAAAAAAAAAAND we lost | |||
| (Sunday, 15 March 2009) Written by admin | |||
| Okay, so we went out for softball this morning and lost both games.......color me disappointed. Seriously. What do ya do with a team that just wasn't wanting to hit or catch? AND I had to play scorekeeper the second game so I didn't even get to play....Not Happy. | |||
| The Legend of The Zodiac | |||
| (Wednesday, 11 March 2009) Written by admin | |||
| I always lose the bookmark for this thing, and I have to go back and review it sometimes, so I figured it might be a good idea to have it somewhere...enjoy. And, in case you're wondering, I'm an Aquarius. ...And it was morning as God stood before his twelve children and into each of them planted the seed of human life. One by one, each child stepped forward to receive the appointed gift... "To you, Aries, I give the seed first that you might have the honor of planting it. That for every seed you plant, one million more will multiply in your hand. You will not have time to see the seed grow, for everything you plant creates more than must be planted. You will be the first to penetrate the soil of men's minds with My Idea. But it is not your job to nourish the Idea, nor to question it. Your life is action and the only action I ascribe to you is to begin making men aware of My Creation. For your good work, I give you the virtue of Self Esteem." ...Quietly, Aries stepped back into place. "To you, Taurus, I give the power to build the seed into substance. Your job is a great one, requiring patience, for you must finish all that has been started or the seeds will be wasted to the wind. You are not to question nor change your mind in the middle nor to depend upon others for what I ask you to do. For this, I give you the gift of Strength. Use it wisely." ...And Taurus stepped back into place. "To you, Gemini, I give the questions without answers, so that you may bring to all an understanding of what man sees around him. You will never know why men speak or listen, but in your quest for the answer, you will find my gift of Knowlege." ...And Gemini stepped back into place. "To you, Cancer, I ascribe the task of teaching men about emotions. My Idea is for you to cause them laughter and tears so that all they see and think develops fullness from inside. For this, I give you the gift of Family, that your fullness may multiply." ...And Cancer stepped back into place. "To you, Leo, I give the job of displaying My Creation in all its brilliance to the world. But you must be careful of pride and always remember that it is My Creation and not your own. For if you forget this, men will scorn you. There is much joy in the job I give to you, if you but do it well. For this, you are to have the gift of Honor." ...And Leo stepped back into place. "To you, Virgo, I ask for an examination of all man has done with My Creation. You are to scrutinize his ways sharply and remind him of his errors so that, through him, My Creation may be perfected. For doing this, I give you the gift of Purity of Thought." ...And Virgo stepped back into place. "To you, Libra, I give the mission of service, that man may be mindful of his duties to others and that he may learn cooperation, as well as the ability to reflect the other side of his actions. I will put you everywhere there is discord and, for your efforts, I will give you the gift of Love." ...And Libra stepped back into place. "To you, Scorpio, I give a very difficult task. You will have the ability to know the minds of men, but I do not permit you to speak about what you learn. Many times, you will be pained by what you see and, in your pain, will turn away from Me. You will forget that it is not I but the perversion of My Idea that is causing you pain. You will see so much of man that you will come to know him as an animal and wrestle so much with his animal instincts in yourself, that you will lose your way. But, when you finally come back to me, Scorpio, I have for you the supreme gift of Purpose." ...And Scorpio stepped back into place. "Sagittarius, I ask that you make men laugh, for amidst their understanding of My Idea, they become bitter. Through laughter, you are to give man hope and, through hope, turn his eyes back to Me. You will touch many lives...if but for a moment...and you will know the restlessness in every life you touch. To you, Sagittarius, I give the gift of Infinite Abundance, that you may spread wide enough to reach every corner of darkness and bring it light." ...And Sagittarius stepped back into place. "Of you, Capricorn, I ask the toil of your brow, that you might teach men to work. Your task is not an easy one, for you will feel all of man's labors upon your shoulders...but the yoke of your burdens contains the Responsibility of man, which I put in your hands." ...And Capricorn stepped back into place. "To you, Aquarius, I give the concept of future that man might see other possibilities. You will have the pain of loneliness, for I do not allow you to personalize My Love. But, for turning man's eyes to new possibilities, I give the gift of Freedom. That is your liberty and you may continue to serve mankind wherever he needs you." ...And Aquarius stepped back into place. "To you, Pisces, I give the most difficult task of them all. I ask you to collect all of man's sorrows and return them to Me. Your tears are to be ultimately My Tears. The sorrow you absorb is the effect of man's misunderstanding of My Idea, but you are to give him compassion that he may try again. For this, the most difficult task of them all, I give you the greatest gift of them all. You will be the only one of my twelve children to understand Me. But this gift of understanding is for you, Pisces, for when you try to spread it to man, he will not listen." ...And Pisces stepped back into place. ...Then, God said: "You each have a part of My Idea. You must not mistake that part for all of My Idea, nor may you trade parts with each other. Each one of you is perfect, but you will not know that until all twelve of you are One. Then, the whole of My Idea will be revealed to each of you." ...And the children left, determined to accomplish the job assigned to the best of their ability, that each might receive God's gift...but none fully understood the task undertaken or the promised gift and when puzzled, they returned, God said: "You each believe that the other gifts are better. Therefore, I will allow you to trade." And, for the moment, each child was elated, considering all the possibilities of the new mission. ...But God smiled as he said: "You will return to Me many times asking to be relieved of your mission and, each time, I will grant your wish. You will experience countless incarnations before you complete the original mission I have prescribed to you. I give you countless time in which to do this but, only when it is done, can you be with Me." | |||
| Austin Trip | |||
| (Wednesday, 11 March 2009) Written by admin | |||
| I’ve tried hard to figure out why I haven’t written in so long…..I think some of it has to do with having to face my own reality. The truth of the matter is that sometimes, I can’t stand the thought of being here alone. I miss Gary. No matter how much I want to believe that I’m prepared to date again or whatever, I’m not. I would have liked to believe that JS and I would have made it, but we didn’t. We’re working on friendship, which is where we should have started, but hindsight is 20/20. We are compatible as friends, I believe, but not as lovers….at least not at this point. Perhaps one day in the future, it might be different, but right now, I want to take time for myself to adjust to being Addison again instead of Addison&Gary. It’s strange, I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love Gary. I know present tense may seem strange to some, but I do still love him…it didn’t stop because he died. ‘ I know there is an amazing person inside JS and that he will continue to grow…he just needs to be allowed to find the right soil for himself…and I’ll make every effort to be the friend to him that I would like my friends to be to me. There’s an old saying….”We do the best we can with what we know now and when we know better, we do better.” I used to think it was a cop out for life, but now I understand it. I just got back from spending a weekend in Austin with Maryn and some friends. Great time. There’s so much to do in that city and so much to experience, there’s no way to get it all done in one weekend. We had made quite a bit of planning before hand to see people we wanted to see……and still had a great time. Now, let me say this. There’s been this guy, Dr. Paul. He’s been in my life off and on before Gary and I were together again….and he’s showed back up in my life after Gary passed. I guess I always thought he was one person and I’ve finally seen that he isn’t. There’s only so much you can take when the same excuse keeps coming up over and over. I had told Dr. Paul that I would be there and wanted to see him, so he said he was putting aside some time for us. Thursday night, on the way in, I called him…and that’s when it went to shit. Thursday night his family was apparently en route to his house which is where I was on my way to….see where this gets hairy? He basically cancelled with me, which made me glad I didn’t take him up on his offer to stay there with him while I was in town. After I basically told him he was an asshole, he asked me out to lunch the next day. I told him I didn’t think it would be a good idea, because I would probably lose my temper. He asked me to reconsider and if I changed my mind, please come by for lunch….I relented the next day and did….BIG MISTAKE!!!!!! In his office, he asked me about plans for Saturday and tried to talk me into staying for Sunday and spending the day with him…and there may have been a guarantee that he would be free….then he sprang it on me that he wouldn’t be able to do lunch…I was not impressed. I basically just left, without making a scene in front of his clients. Now, remember the Sunday thing? Saturday night, he calls me…(mind you there was no way in fuck I was going to go through the effort of staying an extra day for him)to let me know that he was gone with the fam to the River Cabin 3 hours away and wouldn’t be making Sunday. Needless to say, he got a piece of my mind he probably didn’t want. So, I’m done with the dating thing for a little while. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever find someone who loves me and I love as much as Gary. Maybe I’m making a diety of the deceased, but I know what I won’t settle for, and less than I deserve is it. | |||
| I Didn't Lose Out In The Swimsuit Competition | |||
| (Sunday, 22 February 2009) Written by admin | |||
| Today was the New Player Practice for the Suncoast Softball League and JS and I had to go and try out. Well, everyone makes it and we'll find out what division we are in within the week. I did okay for not having played since like frikkin high school. At least at no point did I throw a bat at the frikkin pitcher who tried to nail me with one pitch.....asshole. Anywho, back to me. There's not a lot to report. JS and I are meeting Maryn in Austin in early March to do some bummin around town for the weekend and explore. I hope we get to see Terry and Sharon while there and tour the Shiner Bock factory. | |||
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