I’ve tried hard to figure out why I haven’t written in so long…..I think some of it has to do with having to face my own reality.  The truth of the matter is that sometimes, I can’t stand the thought of being here alone.  I miss Gary.  No matter how much I want to believe that I’m prepared to date again or whatever, I’m not.  I would have liked to believe that JS and I would have made it, but we didn’t.  We’re working on friendship, which is where we should have started, but hindsight is 20/20.

We are compatible as friends, I believe, but not as lovers….at least not at this point.  Perhaps one day in the future, it might be different, but right now, I want to take time for myself to adjust to being Addison again instead of Addison&Gary.  It’s strange, I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love Gary.  I know present tense may seem strange to some, but I do still love him…it didn’t stop because he died.  ‘

I know there is an amazing person inside JS and that he will continue to grow…he just needs to be allowed to find the right soil for himself…and I’ll make every effort to be the friend to him that I would like my friends to be to me.  There’s an old saying….”We do the best we can with what we know now and when we know better, we do better.”  I used to think it was a cop out for life, but now I understand it. 

I just got back from spending a weekend in Austin with Maryn and some friends.  Great time.  There’s so much to do in that city and so much to experience, there’s no way to get it all done in one weekend.  We had made quite a bit of planning before hand to see people we wanted to see……and still had a great time.

Now, let me say this.  There’s been this guy, Dr. Paul.  He’s been in my life off and on before Gary and I were together again….and he’s showed back up in my life after Gary passed.  I guess I always thought he was one person and I’ve finally seen that he isn’t.  There’s only so much you can take when the same excuse keeps coming up over and over.  I had told Dr. Paul that I would be there and wanted to see him, so he said he was putting aside some time for us.  Thursday night, on the way in, I called him…and that’s when it went to shit.

Thursday night his family was apparently en route to his house which is where I was on my way to….see where this gets hairy?  He basically cancelled with me, which made me glad I didn’t take him up on his offer to stay there with him while I was in town.  After I basically told him he was an asshole, he asked me out to lunch the next day.  I told him I didn’t think it would be a good idea, because I would probably lose my temper.  He asked me to reconsider and if I changed my mind, please come by for lunch….I relented the next day and did….BIG MISTAKE!!!!!!

In his office, he asked me about plans for Saturday and tried to talk me into staying for Sunday and spending the day with him…and there may have been a guarantee that he would be free….then he sprang it on me that he wouldn’t be able to do lunch…I was not impressed. I basically just left, without making a scene in front of his clients.

Now, remember the Sunday thing?  Saturday night, he calls me…(mind you there was no way in fuck I was going to go through the effort of staying an extra day for him)to let me know that he was gone with the fam to the River Cabin 3 hours away and wouldn’t be making Sunday.  Needless to say, he got a piece of my mind he probably didn’t want.

So, I’m done with the dating thing for a little while.  Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever find someone who loves me and I love as much as Gary.  Maybe I’m making a diety of the deceased, but I know what I won’t settle for, and less than I deserve is it.